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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow...

Haven't posted in awhile, shame on me.

Well first off, one of my resolutions is well under way as I am as of today 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant! While I am excited beyond belief, I could not have imagined the profound and gripping fear associated with becoming pregnant again. As I told my therapist in session last week when she asked how I saw the world, I said it depends. On good day the world is a wonderful place to be, sunshine and roses. But on the bad days, danger lurks around every corner and even in the most innocent of places. Today was a dangerous day, every little twinge, cramp, and nauseated moment was analyzed to death! I can't imagine feeling like this for the next 9 months but at the same time I think that's what comes with having had a pregnancy loss especially on your first pregnancy. It just the feeling that comes with a territory when you don't know if the last one was a fluke or if you are just never going to be able to carry to term. I really thought I was prepared for the nerves but I couldn't have ever imagined this!

Moving forward, I have decided that perhaps if I stopped lurking on message boards and spent more time working on my novel it might give me something to do that could take my mind off of my irrational fears. Haven't worked on it since my last blog, in fact I haven't really thought about it since then because I've been preoccupied with the baby that I'm growing (yes since Jan. 6th! I knew when it happened that it worked!). So for right now I need to let go of the worry and fret over my baby and focus on my other "baby." I'm excited to really dig down deep and get into this story and make it great. The worries I have with this book though is that I want it to be different...but in this day and age, how different can a vampire love story be? They are literally a dime a dozen right now and I feel like I need to set mine apart for it to be great. Since I almost don't really feel like I can make mine that much different and keep the story and ideas that I love, I think the best thing I can do is too make the writing awesome, the story suspenseful, and give my readers an ending that will leave them speechless! I want jaws dropped on the last line of my book, cliffhanger baby! Then a tiny but annoying voice in the back of my head screams, "This book is for you! Why do you feel the need to pander? Why should you change your ideas or at the very least let them be shaped by what is marketable?" Maybe this distraction will just give me something else to worry and fret over instead of a release. Then again maybe it's better to worry and fret over and inanimate object or set of ideas really than to constantly think that some awful horrible fate is about to befall me and my child!

Until next time, focusing on deep breathing, careful meditation, and positive thinking!

Quote of the Blog: “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened”-Winston Churchill

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