My Minions

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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Normal Morning in the Lewis Household...

Conversation with Chris this morning.
Me: Hey I'm going to cook tonight what do you want?
Chris: Whatever you feel like cooking.
Me: (deep irritated exhale) I'm going to stab you.
Chris: Ok.
Me: I'm going to stab you and then you're going to die.
Chris: Sounds about right.
Me: This is happening.
Chris: Just let me poop please.
Me: As you wish, you may have one last request.

Friday, July 15, 2011


That is all. Go to the movies.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I'm not nearly geeky enough for this!

And yet here I am at the midnight premiere of the second installment of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Review to follow.

Be advised that since it's going to be almost 3am when I get out of here I cannot guarantee that the review will make sense.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Goblin King! Goblin King! Where ever you maybe...

Take this child of mine far away from me!

Relax. I didn't even say the right words. Plus, I'd never send Jax off with some fool that looks like this...
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Sure he's sexy. But think about it. When you're thinking about sending your child to live with an evil goblin king, you really want one of his qualities to be *sexy*? I hope not. You should be looking at important things like goblin to baby ratio, health care, meal plans, and most importantly discipline methods. Because that's why you're sending the baby to him in the first place. Disciplinary issues.

Now I'm not saying that he can't be sexy. I mean if Jareth falls in line with your ideals, well then win-win.

But I digress. Jax is trying to walk. Trying to climb. And now tall enough to reach things on top of tables when standing. And the major problem is that he's smart. Smart enough to know that us Caretakers only put things on tables when we don't want him to have them. Therefore these things MUST be awesome. And of course he's correct. Because he only reaches for the tv remotes, my laptop, sharp objects, food, and of course Coke. Not cocaine. Everyone knows my only vices and Coke (a-cola), cussing, and bad tv.

I think the cussing is soon to follow for him because each time I have to take something away from him he gives me a look that clearly says, "I'm about to f--- your world up it's a--!" and then lets out a shriek that should have permanently damaged my ear drums long ago and possibly tries to bite me. So he pretty much just tries to ruin my day. I mean he has all the toys he could possibly want, but no he wants those rusty tetanusy (I said it so it's a word now, wanna fight about it?) nail clippers that Daddy threw up on the table instead of throwing them in the trash.

And now you know why I need to consult a goblin king. I'm not willing to commit right this second, but I'd like to hear what the man has to say.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Dreaded C-Word!

No not the one you are thinking about...sinner.

C-section. (Might not want to read this one Jason!)

The super scary word almost every pregnant woman runs screaming away from! Not me. I went screaming towards it and clung to that plan with every fiber of my being. Everyone has reasons for wanting their particular birth plan. It's all about what's in your comfort zone at a very UNcomfortable time in your life while preparing for a very UNcomfortable event. I've met many women who act like a c-section is the end of the world. Then you have women like me that are scared to death of pushing or have some other reason for not wanting to do it the "old-fashioned way". So let me try to appease some fears that some may have.

  1. It's more dangerous! That may be true...for some people. But you know what? So is vaginal childbirth...for some people. As with anything else, you have to work with your doctor and also be your own advocate. There are horror stories any which way you go! For your own sanity it's better to not listen to any of them!

  2. It's more painful! Again for some people! I've met a woman who has had 3 children, the first vaginally and the last two were c-sections. She said the first delivery was the worst experience of her life and the last two were wonderful. I needed to hear that story because at the time I was waivering on my decision and thinking maybe I needed to tough it out and give the old "heave-ho" a try. But I stuck with my guns and the pain afterwards was minimal in my opinion. Furthermore, if you're worried about the pain from a c-section, google 4th degree tear and tell me which you think is more painful!

  3. You get left with a big ugly scar. First off, it's not that big. Second, how many of you were planning on posing nude at anytime in your life? Because that's the only way you'd see it. Thirdly, if you are planning on posing nude...haven't you heard of airbrushing?! Once again if you're worried about a scar, google 4th degree tear and tell me what kind of scars you think that'll leave...then google the cost of vaginal!

  4. You're not a REAL woman unless you crap a baby out your vag! Really? Wanna come a little closer and check? And then...THROATPUNCH! To whoever has uttered those ridculous words ever, get over yourself! Your vagina is not the road to El Dorado paved with gold! It doesn't matter if the kid comes out of a natural orifice or a man-made one as long as he/she comes out safely! FYI, Chris has never had any issues with me not being a "real woman", in fact I think he was happy with my decision. Don't be gross...not just because I won't be needing rejuvenation. More because he didn't have to go through the waiting game with me. I can handle the pain, the wait, but not Chris sitting quietly in the corner scared out of his mind for me and his anxiety getting worse with each contraction. He was very happy with my decision.

  5. A C-Section is the easy way out. Sure was...for me. For others...not so much. Google emergency c-section and longitudinal incision.

  6. It's just not in my birth plan. Let me say this and be perfectly clear. Birth plans are bull shit. With all due respect of course. The plan is to get the baby out safely and mom through birth safely. You want a certain song played when the baby is born, ok fine. You want to give birth standing on one leg while juggling bowling pins on fire...not gonna happen get over it. I wanted a c-section (complete with lots of lovely drugs) but what if I went into a fast labor at home and delivered either at home or in an ambulance? Well I'll tell you wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't have been able to just cross my legs and wait until I got to the hospital and Dr. Staud got there and scrubbed in for surgery! When you get so wrapped up in keeping control over something you have no control over, you get a bad experience at best and a tragic experience at worst. See article below.

Ok I'm stepping off my high horse now. This was meant to bring a little common sense to the arguement. I have no problem with vaginal birth and obviously no problem with c-sections. The whole point is to make sure the baby is born safely and the mother also comes out of the situation safely. So let's all stop with the judgement (yes even hard for me) and sing kumbayah as we all birth our babies according to our own respective wishes and pray for safety during this miracle!

Quote of the Blog: "The best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry." -Robert Burns

Friday, March 11, 2011

My new man...

Stefon from SNL Weekend update. Behold in all his sexiness. ::cue school girl sigh::

Me and Rashahn are going to rochambeau for him as soon as she has her baby. And not the nice rock-paper-scissors kind of rochambeau, no no. Straight up, South Park style Rochambeau. Oh yeah.

Wish she'd hurry up and have that baby. I'm ready to kick some ass and claim my man.

For those who are wondering...Chris is totally cool with this.

Useless baby stuff (for me anyway)

Another token of wisdom from a relatively new mom for those soon to be parents I know. Or whoever is bored enough to read this blog (I'm looking at you Jason! LOL!) In no particular order.
  1. Baby wipes warmer. My kid could care less if the cloth wiping the crap from his ass was exactly 96 degrees. I am however told by my sister that my niece would scream bloody murder if a cold wipe touched her skin for a milisecond. So take it for what it's worth.
  2. Swaddle Me (or any other specialized type) swaddle blankets. They have a very loyal following. Those who use and love them are plotting my assasination in a secret bunker off the coast of Nova Scotia as we speak...but I'll be waiting and ready for them. Anyway, they are way to complicated for my tiny little mind to grasp. The main reason for them is that the baby can't get out of the swaddle. Call me crazy but if the baby is breaking out of the swaddle it means that they don't like being constricted or are too hot or just plain don't want to be swaddled, so why force it? So for my money, I'll just take use some type of light weight cotton swaddling blanket.
  3. Diaper Genie. The "diaper trash can" is in the middle of my living room next to the changing table and I've never had anyone complain about the smell. When it's full I close up the trash bag and put it outside just like the normal trash. I have some little green plastic baggies that are scented and when Jax has a particularly bad one or a blowout, they go in the baggie which is then knotted up and then in the trash. I bought 2 small boxes of these baggies (1 for the house and one for the diaper bag) when he was about a month old and I still haven't used them up. Diaper Genie = useless way to throw away money.
  4. Moby baby wrap. I have one and I love it. But was it worth 40-70 dollars that it costs? No, but mainly because I found out after the fact that there is nothing special about it! It's just 6 yards of thick jersey cotton fabric! Whoever invented it was a freaking genius to be able to get people to pay that much for fabric! I want a black one and I'm just going to go to Michaels or Hobby Lobby with a 40% off coupon that they periodically send out and get me some fabric for another wrap!
  5. Baby laundry detergent*. This gets a special star because a lot of babies really do have sensitivities and need special laundry detergent. But if there's no history of skin sensitivities in your family, most likely your baby won't have any either. Best to just try out your own laundry detergent first and fabric softener first in that case. If there's a little irritation, maybe try one of the free and clear types and no fabric softener before getting the baby detergent.
  6. Dry clean only baby clothes. For serious? What idiot thought of this?! Whoever it was should be shot! Morons!

That's all I've got for now. Once again as I think of more I'll update the blog. I think next blog will be a most useful post. Alright I'm off to make a list!

As always, love, warm fuzzies, hugs and police work,


Quote of the Blog:

“It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.”

-Oscar Wilde