My Minions

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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow...

Haven't posted in awhile, shame on me.

Well first off, one of my resolutions is well under way as I am as of today 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant! While I am excited beyond belief, I could not have imagined the profound and gripping fear associated with becoming pregnant again. As I told my therapist in session last week when she asked how I saw the world, I said it depends. On good day the world is a wonderful place to be, sunshine and roses. But on the bad days, danger lurks around every corner and even in the most innocent of places. Today was a dangerous day, every little twinge, cramp, and nauseated moment was analyzed to death! I can't imagine feeling like this for the next 9 months but at the same time I think that's what comes with having had a pregnancy loss especially on your first pregnancy. It just the feeling that comes with a territory when you don't know if the last one was a fluke or if you are just never going to be able to carry to term. I really thought I was prepared for the nerves but I couldn't have ever imagined this!

Moving forward, I have decided that perhaps if I stopped lurking on message boards and spent more time working on my novel it might give me something to do that could take my mind off of my irrational fears. Haven't worked on it since my last blog, in fact I haven't really thought about it since then because I've been preoccupied with the baby that I'm growing (yes since Jan. 6th! I knew when it happened that it worked!). So for right now I need to let go of the worry and fret over my baby and focus on my other "baby." I'm excited to really dig down deep and get into this story and make it great. The worries I have with this book though is that I want it to be different...but in this day and age, how different can a vampire love story be? They are literally a dime a dozen right now and I feel like I need to set mine apart for it to be great. Since I almost don't really feel like I can make mine that much different and keep the story and ideas that I love, I think the best thing I can do is too make the writing awesome, the story suspenseful, and give my readers an ending that will leave them speechless! I want jaws dropped on the last line of my book, cliffhanger baby! Then a tiny but annoying voice in the back of my head screams, "This book is for you! Why do you feel the need to pander? Why should you change your ideas or at the very least let them be shaped by what is marketable?" Maybe this distraction will just give me something else to worry and fret over instead of a release. Then again maybe it's better to worry and fret over and inanimate object or set of ideas really than to constantly think that some awful horrible fate is about to befall me and my child!

Until next time, focusing on deep breathing, careful meditation, and positive thinking!

Quote of the Blog: “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened”-Winston Churchill

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Can't get motivated!

I'm on my laptop writing. Writing on my book maybe? Nope on my blog. That's right, I'm writing my blog today about how I can't think of anything to write. It's a conundrum.
Writing is not my also obviously not my strong suit today as I wrote a post on a board I follow on that totally blew up in my face.
I talked to Dejanae a couple days ago and she helped me come up with my ending so that's good! This idea is that if I have a solid understanding of how the story ends, I'll be able to shape the story accordingly. The ending is done and it got the creative juices flowing until Chris started giving me other personality quirks that I will have to develop in the two main characters. The process is so frustrating and nerve-racking but at the same time it is so fulfilling. Even when I read back on the crappy parts that I've written, I feel proud that I have done it!
A writer that I like posted on her website some advice to new writers. She actually suggested having an outline for the story that constantly changes as the story changes and goes in new directions. I keep thinking about making an outline but it seems like a lot of extra work where you could just go with the flow.
Guess I need to get back to the grind! Thanks for listening!

Quote of the Blog: "What's all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me." - The Late Great George Carlin

Friday, January 1, 2010

VaneLeigh Going...

Well it's a new year and frankly I'm glad to see the old one gone! 2009 sucked and I'm hoping that things look up for me in 2010! I've started off the year with a new (old) resolution to save money and lose weight (get healthy) and also to have a baby this year!

Day 1: Have made healthy lunch and dinner to take to work with me. That's right...2 birds 1 stone! Not a bad way to start off the year! Went for a walk/run with my dog Coie (see picture), that's like double points in the "Get Healthy" column! Must work on the baby thing...haven't done that since last year, hahahaha (the joke isn't lame, you are)!

Not a resolution per se but I'm also determined to finish my first novel this year, I'd say right now it's about a 1/4 done. I'm not looking to have it published and become a rich and famous writer (although if that were to happen...JACKPOT!) but I would like the ability to say I have done it and have it for me.

This is the year so far and it's looking good!

Hugs and police work,


Quote of the Blog: "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unkowns. That is to say, there are things we know we don't know. But, there are also unknown unknowns. These are things we don't know we don't know." - Donald Rumsfeld